Joke Page

A Wall Street Journal employee compiled the following list of actual headlines that appeared in various papers in 1996 that the Journal staff rated as the most entertaining:
Panda Mating Fails; Vet Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Clinton Wins on Budget; But More Lies Ahead
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Two Sisters Reunite After 18 Years in Checkout Counter
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

There's these three rats sitting in a bar boasting about how tough they are
Rat 1: "I'm so tough I can eat ratsack"
Rat 2: "Ha. I can take cheese straight from the rat trap and not even get touched"
Next thing the third rat gets of his chair and starts walking out of the bar
The other two rats ask "Where are you going?"
Rat 3 : "I'm going to kiss the cat!"

A squatter had been driving for half an hour through his 20000 acre cattle station when he noticed a pile of rags. Almost on top of it, he saw it move. Slamming on the brakes, he jumped out and found an old swaggie in a dreadful state - filthy old clothes, half starved, just a bag of bones. Aghast, the squatter said: "You poor old fella. I'll take you to my house and you can have a hot bath, a good feed and a soft bed to sleep in." The swaggie opened one eye and squinted up at the squatter. "Nick off mate!" he grated. "You can open your own bloody gates!".

Murphy's Technology Laws (Murphy says “what can go wrong, will go wrong” )
1.You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2.Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
3.Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
4.Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
5.If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.
6.The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
7.The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
8.An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
 9.Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
10.All great discoveries are made by mistake.
11.Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
 12.Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
 13.All's well that ends.
14.A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
15.The first myth of management is that it exists.
16.A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
17.New systems generate new problems.
18.To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
19.We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
20.Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
21.Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic2E
22. A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
23.Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.
24.Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
25.The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
26.To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
27.After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
28.Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
29.A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
30.If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
31.Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
32.Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbour File."
33.Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
34.If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
 35.The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
36.In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 am. on Monday. 
37.Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.
38.All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
39.The only perfect science is hind-sight.
40.Work smarter and not harder and be careful of yor speling. 
41.If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
42.If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
43.When all else fails, read the instructions.
44.If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
45.Everything that goes up must come down.
46.Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
47.Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
48.Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
49.If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it probably needed to be replaced anyway.
50.The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
51.If there are 2 ways of doing anything, you have no chance of getting it right the first time and 50% chance of getting it right the second time.

 From a Teacher in Hong Kong

A computer was something on TV
>from a science-fiction show of note
>A window was something you hated to clean
>and ram was the cousin of goat
>Meg was the name of a girlfriend
>and gigs were jobs done at night.
>Now they all have different meanings
>>and that really mega bytes
>>An application was for employment
>>A program, a TV show
>>A cursor used profanity
>>A keyboard, a piano
>>Memory was something you lost with age
>>A CD, a banking term
>>And if you had a 3-inch floppy
>>It was reason to blush and squirm
>>Compressing was done to the garbage
>>Not something you did to a file
>>And if you unzipped in public
>>you'd be landed in jail for a while
>>Log on was wood to the fire
>>hard drive, a long trip on the road
>>A mouse pad was where a small rodent lived
>>And a backup, a messy commode
>>Cutting you did with a pocket knife
>>and pasting required glue
>>A web site, a nest for a spider
>>and a virus just gave you the flu
>>Though no one's been killed in a computer crash,
>>When it happens they wish they were dead.
>>So I'll stick to my pad and paper
>>and what memory's left in my head.

From: Graham (England)

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi. After requesting a
tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport
and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbour bridge, and the man is further
unimpressed - "I have a duck pond bigger than that harbour, and an
ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn - "Is this a road,
or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden
and severe application of the brakes, the cabbie couldn't help himself - "Stupid
grasshoppers!"

From: Peter Gwalter

Answers to a 6th grade history test:
>
>  1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and  they all wrote in
>  hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert.  The climate of the
>  Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
>
>  2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
>  unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
>  went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
>  he ever reached Canada.
>
>  3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
>
>  4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
>  wouldn't have history  The Greeks also had  myths.  A myth is a
>  female moth.
>
>  5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
>  advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
>  After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
>
>  6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits,
>  and threw the java.
>
>  7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
>  The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to
>  be made king.  Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
>
>  8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard
>  Shaw.
>
>  9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen."  As a queen she was a
>  success.  When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
>  "hurrah."
>
>  10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.  Gutenberg
>  invented removable type and the Bible.  Another important invention
>  was the circulation of blood.  Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
>  figure
>  because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake
>  circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
>
>  11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
>  He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.  He never made
>  much money and is famous only because of his plays.  He wrote
>  tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
>  Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.  Romeo's last
>  wish was to be laid by Juliet.
>
>  12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.  He
>  wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton.  Milton
>  wrote Paradise Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
>  Regained.
>
>  13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
>  Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
>  singers of the Declaration of Independence.  Franklin discovered
>  electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse
> divided against itself cannot stand."  Franklin died in 1790 and is
> still dead.
>
>  14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.  Lincoln's
>  mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
>  with his own hands.  Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
>  Emasculation Proclamation.   On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln
>  went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in
>  a moving picture show.  They believe the assinator was John Wilkes
> Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
>
>  15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
>  large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old spinster
>  which he kept up in his attic.  Bach died from 1750 to the present.
>  Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
>  Handel was half German half Italian and half English.  He was very
>  large.
>
>  16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf.  He was so deaf he
>  wrote loud music.  He took long walks in the forest even when
>  everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
>  died for this.
>
> and my favourite:
>
>  17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
>  inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started
>  reproducing by machine.  The invention of the steamboat caused a
>  network of rivers to spring up.   Cyrus McCormick invented the
>  McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.  Louis Pasteur
>  discovered a cure for rabbis.  Charles Darwin was a naturalist who
>  wrote the Organ of the Species.  Madman Curie discovered radio.  And
>  Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers
 

For Those Born Prior To 1950

We are survivors! Consider the changes we have seen. We were before
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, photocopies, contact lenses, the frisbee and the pill. We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, laser beams, and ball point pens, before pantyhose, dishwashers, cloths dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, drib-dry cloths and before man walked on the moon. We got married first and lived together. How quaint can you be.
In our time “closets” were for clothes -not for coming out of. Designer jeans were scheming girls called Jean or Jeanne, and having a “meaningful relationship” meant getting along with our cousins.
We thought fast food was what you ate before lent and “bread “ was what the bread carter delivered. We were before house husbands, computer dating, dual careers and computer marriages. We were before day-care centres, group therapy, and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio, tape decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, word processors, yoghurt and guys wearing earrings. For us “time sharing” meant togetherness-not computers or condominiums. 
A chip meant a piece of wood - “hardware” meant hardware, and “software” wasn’t even a word.
In 1950 “made in Japan meant “junk". and the term “making out” referred to how you did in an exam. Pizzas, McDonalds, and instant coffee were unheard of. We hit the scene when1d brought you into the flicks. You could catch a tram for 6d, and then there was always room for “one more”. To make a phone call, you used the neighbours, the postman called twice a day and the banks were opened on Saturday. In our day: "grass" was something you mowed, ”coke” was a cola drink, and “pot” was something you put under the bed.
“Gay” was the name of a girl or a happy person, and “aids” were helpers in the Principal's office. We made do with what we had, -and were the last generation so dumb to think you needed a husband to have a baby.
No wonder we are so confused and there is such a generation gap today! But we survived!

ME NOO SPEL CHEKA;

Eye halve a spelling chequer. It came with my pea sea.
It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write, it shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. It’s rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it, I am shore your pleased two no,
It’s letter perfect awl the weigh. My chequer tolled me sew.

Sauce Ungnome.

From Alan.

 A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other
 monks in copying the old texts by hand.
  He notices, however, that they are copying copies, and not the original
 books.
 So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this.
 He points out that if there was an error in the first copy, that error
 would be continued  in all of the other copies.
 The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
 but you make a good point, my son."
 So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it
 against the original.
 Hours later, nobody has seen him.
 So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing
 coming from the back of  the cellar
 and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying.
 He asks what's wrong. "The word is celebrate," says the old monk.


God created the mule, and told him: "You will be Mule, working constantly
from dawn to dusk, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and
you will lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years." The mule answered:
"To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more  than
20." And it was so. Then God created the dog, and told him: "You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog
responded: "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more
than 10 years." And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him:
"You are Monkey. You will swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You
will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."  And the monkey responded:
"Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please,
Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so. Finally, God created
Man and told him: "You  are Man, the only rational being that walks the
earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery  over the creatures of
the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." And the man
responded: "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord,
give me the 20 years the  mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and
the ten years the monkey rejected." And it was so. And so God made Man to
live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and
carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15
years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty
the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like
a clown to amuse his grandchildren. And it was so.
 

1.                 Your dog rides in the ute more than your wife.

2.                 You convince your wife that an over­night  trip   to   Perth/Melbourne   for machinery parts is a holiday.

3.                 You wear specific hats to clearing sales, livestock auctions, farmer meetings and holidays.

4.                 You've had to wash off in the back yard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

5.                 You've never thrown away a five-gallon bucket.

6.                 You've used fencing wire to attach a license plate.

7.                 You know the fertiliser, seeding, herbicide rates and yields on a farm you leased 10 years ago, but can't remember your wife's birthday.

8.                 You've fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of machinery.

9.                 You've driven off the road while examining your neighbour's crops

10.          You've buried a dog and cried like a baby.

11.          You've used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

12.          You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

13.          You wave at every vehicle whether you know the occupants or not.

14.          You always look when a vehicle passes your house, even at night.

15.          You've  used  something  other than paper as a toilet tissue.

16.          You refer to farms by who owned them 50 or more years ago.

17.          You give directions to your farm by using landmarks, not road names.

18.          Your wife agrees to observe Mothers Day after seeding.

19.          You have animals living in buildings more expensive that your house.

20.          More than 50 per cent of your clothing came from chemical or seed dealers.

21.          Family weddings and special events are planned around seeding, spraying and harvesting.

22.           The rusted out areas of your old truck are sealed off with old T-shirts.

23.           Your family  goes  silent when  the weather comes on the news.

24.           The meaning of true love is that you'll ride on the tractor with him.

25.           Your husband drives a friend home from the bar when he only lives three houses away.

26.           Your excuse for getting out of school is that the cows got out.

27.           Your early morning prayer covers rain, wheat and sheep.

28.           You listen to "The Country Hour" every day at noon.

29.           Your other vehicle is a John Deere.

30.           You've enough caps to match every shirt you own, but you only wear one so you don't get the others dirty.

31.           And, finally if given a million dollars, you would keep right on farming because that is who and what you are.

PONDERISMS  

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. 

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. 

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.  

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.  


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 


Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 
  
  
  
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 


How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why is there a

A drover named Dave was overseeing his mob in a remote pasture in New South Wales when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
         
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"  
                 
Dave  looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing mob and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
 
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
         
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
           
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.    
 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."        
                 
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Dave.
         
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
               
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"        
       
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
       
"You're a senator in Kevin Rudd's Labor Government", says Bud.
         
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
   
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep. ...

         
Now give me back my dog.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
 now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
 
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
 
And the best for last:
 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law